Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton’s Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Stage for an advice column, so we gave it one. Crowning himself the “king of advice”, Crofton will share his hard-earned wisdom with anyone who seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitterand to submit a question to the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear king of advice,
How to write a film script? I want to write and sell a movie script. I noticed that you sometimes write short pieces in your advice columns. Is it the same process? I want to write and sell a movie script. Also, do you have any story ideas you would be willing to give me?
—Barbara in Brooklyn
Oh man! I just took a sip of coffee and pressed play on the Survivor album Vital signs. It’s 1:43 a.m. I love that question.* “There’s a story in my eyes. Turning the pages of desire » This is what the singer of Survivor says. SPOILER ALERT: The story in the Survivor singer’s eyes is that he’s excited.
Sexy movies were popular. Now that’s all Iron Man VIII and Green Lantern Goes Crazy. Write a sexy script:
Interior, butcher’s shop
A man named Harold cuts meat behind a counter. Harold is played by Benedict Cumberbatch. A woman named Fiona walks through the front door. Fiona is played by Queen Latifah.
Harold: Can I help you?
Fiona: I doubt it.
Fiona: You look like a weasel.
Harold: I like sex.
Fiona: Let’s go to Germany. On my boat.
It’s a good start. They have sex on the boat and talk about global warming between sessions. Then they have sex in Germany a bunch.
You can have that. It’s called BOAT SEX IN GERMANY. The captain of the boat is Dua Lipa, playing herself. She’s a global warming denier (in the movie). I have to admit this script is a money grab. It’s a flattery for people who love sex. Global warming was added to spark Oscar interest.
Speaking of the Oscars…just kidding. I won’t. OK, OK – just a paragraph:
Will Smith is crazy. All celebrities are crazy. Everyone is crazy. Social media has scrambled everyone’s brain. Will Smith probably thought he was slapping an emoji he didn’t like.
Plays are different from movies, Barbara. Plays are meant to be boring, and all the best plays end with the world exploding. The stage is mostly bare except for two dilapidated pieces of furniture, and people are still singing about lost dreams.
Here is an example of a good game:
THE ORPHANAGE by The King of Advice
The scene is bare except for a battered couch and a coffee table. The lamp on the coffee table flickers. Five orphans scrub the floor in front of the couch.
Orphan 1: I’m tired of scrubbing!
Orphan 2: We must! Captain Vickers returns today!
Orphans 3, 4 and 5: WE DON’T CAAAAAARE! *the orchestra starts*
Before I end this horrible piece, I must mention that the Survivor disc is finished. Now Lou Gramm sings “I knew this girl would take me here, where happiness and sorrow meet.” Back to orphans:
Orphans 3, 4, and 5 throw their scrub brushes at the flickering lamp, smash it, and start singing to the tune of “God Bless America”:
“IIIIIII I don’t like scru-uh-bbing, I want a aaaaaa dog! I’m leaving, in the morning, to have my dreams, and a dog, and a mommmmmm”
Orphans 1 and 2 call the police.
*the world explodes*
This piece is too commercial. It’s a flattery for people who love dogs.
By the way, Barbara, you can have any of them for free. Latest: This is another movie idea – the kind of movie they would show at the Museum of Modern Art. It’s called BUS STOP:
Two men are at a bus stop. One has a briefcase cuffed to his wrist. The other is very angry for reasons that are never revealed.
Angry Man Without Briefcase: Whaddya got into the briefcase, hot shot?
Man with the briefcase: photos of your ass.
The two men fight and the briefcase opens. Hundreds of Sweet’n Low packets are spreading. The men start crying, and a piano that says “CAPITALISM” on it falls from the sky, crushing them.
*I replied to a similar answer years ago.